AYo Technology

Thanks.

2007-11-22T19:06:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.

I'm spending my time in the beautiful state of Georgia in LaGrange. Atlanta is the next biggest city around. I jetted off, rather rode off, into the sunset with a classmate of mine. We'll call him Little Man.

I can't think.

Anyone out there?

2007-11-18T04:50:00.000-05:00

Good morning everyone! It's 4:50 in the am and I haven't slept in hours.

I'm not feeling particularly well as of late, some of it actual illness, more of it a tragic case of the monthlies.

I've become re-enamored (not a word, I'm sure) with the wonder of a fantastic computer. This summer was relatively computer free; I finally destroyed my Mac and was forced to rely on the family Dell and a prehistoric Compaq laptop. So I kind of boycotted the whole business instead. But now I am here in my very first apartment sitting at my very own kitchen table fiddling with my brand new MacBook Pro. It is sleek and sexy in the manner of all the Macs but this one takes it to the next level because of the software. Full Sail is amazing. They realize that in order to succeed in an industry driven by technology, you as the student need to have complete access to the technology. So, in addition to the computer, my tuition garnered me FINAL CUT STUDIO 2 and ADOBE CREATIVE SUITE 3 PROFESSIONAL! I'm talking Photoshop, Illustrator, Dreamweaver, Flash (with Video Encoder), and InDesign. I actually welled up with tears as we watched a video they had put together to illustrate the capabilities of our software package. I haven't been this excited about any single oppurtunity since the first time I headed off to Denison.

I am finally coming in to my own. It's taken twenty two years and three different colleges but I think I've found myself. Finally.

I've been geeking it out hardcore lately. I am fascinated by Photoshop and my own image. I've done alot of crappy stuff and some good but I particularly like this one image:
I took the picture in Photobooth, so I did do a little cheat but I have to say, I'm pleased with the end result. My new friend and schoolmate, Aeon, insists that I work with pictures of me because I am just that conceited. But that's not it, I swear. I'm just easy and available. Kind of a camera ho.

Not to change the subject, but...

Speaking of being a ho, well not being a ho really because I'm not, but speaking of fornication, I am contemplating my next moves. Piano Man, or is he Music Man?, is delightfully tempting but Sparks is still my sweetie. I was on the phone with him and he was telling me that he couldn't wait until I got home for Christmas break. I responded in kind, telling him I was going crazy with the waiting. He said, "Wait for me. I hope you can wait for me." Wow. I don't know if he knows how he sounds when he says these things but he has a way of sending m into a tailspin. He's five years older than me but he really has such a sweet innocence about him. He's sexy and charming and sensitive and affectionate. He's a man but I always feel like I could scandalize him. I don't want to; I want to make this work. I'm trying to be a good girl. I'm trying to get rid of past behaviors and attitudes. I'm trying to be faithful in an open situation. But it's really damn hard.

2007-11-16T21:42:00.000-05:00

More.

2007-11-15T17:13:00.000-05:00

So wat had happened was....

I'm at Full Sail studying Digital Arts and Design! I will be the lucky owner of knowledge to surpass the knowledge of all others. Score.

But first, like usual, I must talk about the men in my life.

Capone: We had a nasty, nasty breakup. Leaving one to say, "You got back together?" Th answer is yes and the end game of that sitiuation landed me in the hospital. No more. Never again will you have to worry bout his nam on my lips.

Mr. Green Apron: We had a falling out and though he insists tat he is not actually mad at me but we haven't spoken to each other in months. It's ok though, the two of us equaled a giantic headache.

Dildo: He's still in Richmond. He's as crazy as he's ever been.

now to the new arrivals....

Sparks: He looks like Shane Sparks from "So You Think You Can Dance?" and moves even better. We met in my Tuesday hip hop class; he's the teacher. He's sexy and massively appealing, needless to say, I think I'm his favorite student.

Piano Man: I've actually known him for years but incidentally, we both ended up at Full Sail and we live right across the street from each other. He's a ton of fun and I'm looking forward to the time we're gonna spend together.

Ok, so Sparks and I began hanging out under kind of unfortunate circumsatnces. He had missed a couple of classes when I decided to email him and see what was up. He responded by informing me that his father had recently died of colon cancer. I of course, was shocked and devasted for him. I asked him if thee was anything that I cold do. He asked me what I was doing that weekend. We went out once and he've been talking ever since. That was about two months ago. I've been in Florida for almost a month. I miss him but naturally, there is going to be a cerain element of lonliness that sets in eventually. It's set in and set in hardcore. I've begun to get bit sick as a result of the stress and yesterday, when I was feeling particularly lonely, asked Piano man if he could bring me smething for my fever. He came over. We laughed. We joked. We composed a new dance form that operates with at least one person lying horizontally on a bed. The bed is where the problem comes in. We're playing on my bed, dancing and ouncing and then eventually laying still in each others arms. He goes home to change into some pjs. We get in to bed. We...I cooked him breakfast this morning.

There enlies my dilemna.

Adore them both.

Can I have them both?

I'm Changin'.

2007-11-15T15:10:00.000-05:00

Whoa. New Schhol again. I'm in Orlando at Full Sail. It's great.

There's boys. but there's class. finish later

hello?

2007-02-25T19:13:00.000-05:00

I never update this thing, do I?

I think that I've given you an update in what's going on in my life right now. I'm just schooling and working, working and schooling. Things are pretty consistant and to tell you the truth, kind of boring. About the boys in my last entry:

Mr. Green Apron: We've gotten closer. I'm unsure of the status of our relationship but I don't thing that he is really that clear about where things are going either. We spent Valentine's Day together but it could have just been a fluke. I said somthing stupid to him though and he's mad and not speaking to me.

Capone: Chatted with him on the teephone. It was refreshing and easy. He has a girlfriend, he is happy and healthy and we had a good time catching up. He said that he is going to give me another call sometime.

Dildo: He moved back to richmond. He's here, we were wildly passionate for a minute, I told him that we needed to back up off of this and he took it hard but quickly rebounded and got himself a new girlfriend. hmm. How odd.

so those of the male persuasion are not really falling under my spell as of late. oh well. We all have our slumps.

The one that got away...?

2006-09-21T22:28:00.000-04:00

Been a long time.

I'm back in Richmond, attending John Tyler for my associates in Graphic Design and then working toward my bachelor's in English. I'm hoping to open up a book publishing company. I'm tired, so there will be more details on that later.

Stopped talking to Mr. Green Apron and haven't heard a peep from Capone in the past few months. I can't say I'm particularly surprised; shit happens and happens more often when dealing with either one of those two. There is a guy who seems to want to hang on, though. Let's call him Dildo. It's a thinly veiled psuedonym but the one I'm going to stick with all the same. He has informed me that he has been having semi-regular dreams about him and I getting married. He has informed me that I am the only girl that he has still cared about after the breakup. We've been broken up for, I would say, about six years. I missed him as I talked to him and found myself all the sudden being back with him, falling back in love with him. I don't know.

Me So...

2006-04-28T01:45:00.000-04:00

Fill in the word for yourself. trust your instincts. The first instinct is usually the right one.

Fortunately, my desire for Geezy was short-lived. That was a unique display of desperation. Don't get me wrong, the boy is sexy as a motha but I would probably have to talk to him in order to shag him. And the thought of wasting my oxygen on him doesn't make me especially happy.

Besides....

I'm going home to Mr. Green Apron in a little more than a week! Yaaaaaaaaaay! Sexxxxxxxxx! Love....no, just sex.

Heh heh heh.

Should be writing a paper. Let me stop writing this.

Would really like to fornicate right now, though.

Whoa.

2006-04-19T00:37:00.000-04:00

Blast from the past today.

Geezy, as in "G Geezy, he's so sleazy" is back on my mind.

He's always been crazy and pretty free spirited but I have been particularly moved by everything that he has done as of late. I taught him some choreography at a party and he tried to hug me afterward and I deliberately denied him. Everybody was standing around watching the two of us look like drunk fools and I was slowly turned on by his movements mimicing mine. I was doing a scene in the play direction class of which he's a member today. His laughter is infectious and I could feel the heat of his eyes on me continuously. I don't know if he's thinking about me the way that I've gotten to thinking about him but I'm horrified that he's on my mind. He's not a trustworthy guy, I know that he is not deserving of my energy. But somehow, he remains to be somewhat attractive. Some how, I'm sitting here wishing that he would reach out to me tonight.

The spring dance concert is this weekend and then only two more weeks before I go home. Only two more weeks before I can wash him out of my mind. Again.

A day and then some.

2006-04-06T12:33:00.000-04:00

OMG. Long time, no write.

Summary: Capone came to see me the week of Valentine's Day. It was a huge surprise albeit a bittersweet one. The week went well for awile but by the end of the week we were angry and fighting. We broke up and haven't talked since. I really think that this is the end this time. I miss him.

I'm glad that I was finally strong enough to break up with him and do what I needed to do in order to regain my independence and piece of mind.

He loved me and needed me more than I could handle. We were living in codependency and falling deeper into the trap with every second.

Ma, oh man. Whenever I talk about this my mood plummets. Maybe I should stop.

Dawn came to visit me the week before spring break. It was absolutely terrific. I can't believe that we've been friends since we were thirteen years old. Next time that we get together, we going to get a camcorder and have the entire weekend on tape.

Mr. Green Apron and I got together during break. We went to the mall so he could do his little photo shoot and we did lunch and we rode around to the park and we walked back to a picnic shelter and then we....ummm. It was lovely. I can't wait til I get to go home and reunite with mi amigo.

Naughty by Nature and 112 came to school for culture Jam last weekend. It was fun. (Love my specific and detailed use of the English language don't you?)

blah blah blah blah.

I'm tired and allergic and don't feel terrific.

Denison. Well, Boys @ Denison.

2006-01-26T23:16:00.000-05:00

I'm back at school and for once, I can say I am fully enjoying college. Thank the Lord. Finally.

I'm not enjoying it enough to tear myself away from my journal and finish writing my paper though. I'll do that in just a second. Pinkie swear.

Ohio is freezing and I have more than enough oppurtunity to walk around in the brisk, Midwestern air. Too much oppurtunity, honestly. Who enjoys freezing their ass off? Not me, says the cat. I try to keep warm inside. I let my friend J keep me warm one night. It was odd. He's a good guy, an absolute doll, but not one I thought would be sharing my atmosphere so intimately.

I still miss Mr. Green Apron though. He gave me an excellent going away present and I want more. I want to go away and come back and go away again and again and again.

And since the only things I am concerned with at the present moment have penises, I feel I must mention that Capone called me last week and expressed his intentions of coming to the U.S. and coming to visit me. Ahh, a reunion of me and my first love in the very city in which we met. Taking it back to old days. Two grown people shoved in one twin x-long bed. Staying up insanely late for no reason except the fact that we can. Those were the good days. He said that he's going to surprise me and his brother independently confirmed that he is planning a trip to Ohio. I don't know how I feel about all this; I love the boy but a sista has got to move on.

Sigh. Maybe I'll update about non man related things soon. Or maybe I won't.

Oh well.

2005-12-17T23:21:00.000-05:00

Capone was supossed to call me today but no suck luck (?)

I was kind of looking forward to the oppurtunity to tell him that he couldn't jerk me around by ringing me up whenever the fancy struck him. I was looking forward to letting him know that I was completely over him. (Which I'm not.) I just wanted to verbally assert myself and he robbed me of the oppurtunity. Probably for the best anyway. I would have melted at the mere sound of his voice.

Dawn and I did some Christmas shopping today. I bought her a present. That's it. Hours of prowling the mall and I only end up giving to the chick who's standing next to me. Damn, I'm bad at this. Oh well. There's always tommorrow. And everyday after work....?

Serendipity?

2005-12-13T20:14:00.000-05:00

I wrote this entry earlier today:

It’s almost time for me to be hitting the road again. If everything works out, and I definitely think it will, then this time next month I will be back in the state of Ohio. And this time, no bullshitting. I’m going to be one of those damn overachievers everyone always seems to be going on about.

A little personal life drama though, unfortunately. Oddly enough, it revolves around Arielle. Normally, I try not to give over too much time thinking about her because she doesn’t take much time to think about me. But on the way to the office today, India was warbling sentimentally about something or other and the lyric, “just like you’d fight for your sister if you knew that somebody dissed her,” came floating out of the speakers.
“What a novel idea,” I thought. “Someone coming to their sister’s defense. People do that?!”

Yesterday, Arielle casually mentioned that there was a rumor going around Starbucks that I was crazy. Apparently Mr. Green Apron told a co-worker about the drama we were going through when we “broke up” and that guy ran and repeated it (with commentary) to Arielle. And you would think that if she heard someone spreading a rumor about her sibling that she would try to put an end to it, right? Seems like a natural enough reaction, right? But no, not dear old Arielle. She didn’t say a thing and doesn’t seem to comprehend why she should. I started off being mad at Mr. Green Apron but upon analysis transferred my energy in Arielle’s direction. I know she doesn’t seem to actually like me or have much respect for me but she is my sister. Obviously, kinship counts for less then I thought.

I deleted Mr. Green Apron’s number from my phone. A half hour after the deed was done, he called. I put his number back in. [He, at least, is honest and now understands why I don’t want to hear my name in some stranger’s mouth. He, at least, said he was going to talk to the guy. Mr. Green Apron has more respect and affection for me than my own sibling. But hey, that’s cool. I won’t have to see or talk to her for a few months when I go back to school. She doesn’t call ever so avoiding her will be pretty easy.] Back to Green Apron. He was returning my phone call. And he wanted to see me. Ely was gone for the day so the office was free and clear. I, knowing what my relationship with Mr. Green Apron is about and fueled with a desire to spite Arielle, agreed to roll through before I took my A-quality psychology final. I was still mad at him but obviously not enough to abstain from engaging in sexual activity with him. Needless to say, it was worth it. Mr. Green Apron is f-ing fantastic. He’s the best I’ve ever had and he reciprocates the sentiment. Can’t very well go and throw that kind of sexual compatibility out of the window because of a few character flaws, can you? The very idea sounds quite wrong and pointless to my twisted moral ear.

Just another day in the life.

But then this happened:

Capone called. Capone called my cell phone. I had been thinking about him, wanting him, willing him to contact me and he calls. The call came through while I was on the phone with my mother. I was sitting at my desk at work minding my own business when a foreign number showed up on my caller ID. I din't recognize the area code or anything so my curiousity go the best of me. The voice on the line sounded eerily but impossibly familiar. We didn't get to stay on the phone for very long but it was long enough for him to say that he loves me and he misses me. He's going to call again on Saturday.

So.

Just when I thought that maybe I could put him behind me he comes back into my world. He's overseas and still has the power to make me want to drop everything so I can be with him. I'm in pain. As much as I wanted to hear from him, the sound of his voice makes me want to cry. I can't even comprehend what I'm supossed to do next. I don't know.

don't know.

2005-12-12T00:08:00.000-05:00

It's a good feeling not to be depressed. One of the better feeling that I've had in my life actually.

I am now able to be sad but not have to sink into a feeling of despair.

Like right now I'm kind of sad. But just that regular kind of sad. It's almost a nice feeling.

Ok, that's done.

I was chatting with my darling Dawn and we got to talking about ex-boyfriends. When one gets to talking about exes, one gets to talking about Capone. Sure, Capone has gone back to Cape Verde, has been gone for months, but now for some reason, he's back on my brain. Thinking about him and thinking about us. I miss him in a way that hurts my heart. I want to see him and I want to talk to him and I want to have him back. Not back in the sense that I want him to be my boyfriend again but I wish I could have him back in my life. I know that this is an impossibility; I know that we cannot function in a relationship. But I want him.

It was with this feeling that I got in the car to see Mr. Green Apron. He's a guy I've been sort of kind of seeing for the past few months. We were getting along pretty well and then we weren't and then we were but not quite the same and now we've kind of settled into a type of casual situation. Mr. Green Apron works at the Starbucks down on Hull Street (hence the nickname) and he suggested that I meet him after work for a "chat." I needed to get out of the house and get some gas and whatnot anyway so I gave him a call. He had gotten off early and taken off without me. I became unnecessarily and irrationally upset when I learned that I wouldn't be able to see him. I needed--need--someone to hold me. I need that release, that comfort. I wish...oh jeez. Nevermind.

Spiral.

2005-10-25T22:08:00.000-04:00

I'm back doing the same old shit that I used to do. I'm so deep into a mode of being an underachiever that even when I have plans to be the best that I can be, my old habits come back to sabotage me. I can't seem to control myself or this slump that I seem to slip into around this time every year since I've been in college. Hell, it might have been longer than that but I was always somewhat under my parents and my teacher's thumb. I hate the feeling of losing control and I wish that I could stop .

I have a bottle of pills right next to me and I wish that I was weak enough to just take them and be over. I wish I didn't care quite so much what other people think and what they would think after I was gone. I know my baby sister has had too many friends die and I don't want to be another just because I was selfish and self indulgent and self pitying. I hate when I get so low that i feel like this and then I get scared because I feel like I need to act out....to do something to feel some sort of catharsis so the feeling passes out of my body.

I wish I could escape. Rewind. Do things again.

Just friends.

2005-10-21T22:17:00.000-04:00

Mr. Green Apron and I have settled on being "just friends." In other words, we will never speak to each other again. Ain't that a bitch?

Oh well.

I'm a little weird right now. I miss having someone to go out with on the weekends. I miss the loving. I miss the companionship. But I certainly can't wait to see him again and be gentile and accomodating and drive him mad with jealousy. Mwahahahaha.

It's a terrible silliness that I have sometimes. It's just that I'm a little bit hurt over the situation and a little bit frustrated. He says that he doesn't want a relationship and I certainly don't want a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with me, but I do think that he feels something different then what he is saying in words. I just finished dating someone who always said to listen to his actions, not just his words. I don't know if that's the way it works with all people or what but Mr. Green Apron's actions most definitely don't match his words. He calls me at least every other day and we've seen each other every weekend since we started talking. He came over this one time, a thursday afternoon. He was waiting for me when I got home from work, standing in my driveway chatting it up with my mother and my grandmother. I have class on thursday evenings so he went to the bank with me and then we went to Wendy's for some food. We went back to my house, sat in the driveway for awhile and then he left. He came to see me just because. If that's the action of a casual friend and or of ambivalence, then I was tragically mistaken.

As cool as I try to play it (sometimes), I'm really disappointed. I thought that this was going to be something good.

Here's another one.

2005-10-20T01:10:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you without a dope entry to read you.

A lot has gone on since we last spoke, here's a mini rundown:

Capone came to VA for a weekend and essentially went back to Boston to finish packing for his move back to Cape Verde. So that means the first love of my life, is gone. Oh well. Shit happens, right?

I have met someone else. His name is Mr. Green Apron and we've been dating for about a month but Monday, I went ahead and messed that all up by raving on and on about the state of our relationship. (But I would like to think that it is not wholly unreasonable to want to know what's going with us, right? I don't like friends with benefits man!)

I left Denison. I'm having a quarter life crisis of sorts. I'm most likely going back in the spring even though the thought of having to go back to Ohio semi-permanentely depresses me immensely.

That's a good enough summary of my life. I'm really supossed to be clearing out my room because we're getting new carpet in tomorrow but when have I ever been one to make sense? Besides, I needed some time to chill and watch a really good episode of Conan.

Expect the unexpected that I was kind of expecting.

2005-05-04T02:48:00.000-04:00

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

"For them, the industrializing economy offered oppurtunities to explore sexuality outside of marriage, whether on city streets or in the seperate sphere of all male activity."

Intimate Matters: A History of Sexuality in America

I'm trapped in the airport. There's something hexed about this weekend...maybe this is a sign that I should not attempt to sneak around behind my parent's back ever again. I went to go see Capone. Which landed me at a grand total of three states traveled in one weekend. I started in Ohio, went to Rhode Island, spent the night in Massachusetts, went back to Rhode Island to spend another night there and came back to Ohio to finish off the weekend. I missed my ride back to campus by about 10 minutes so I'm back in another airport playing the waiting game. At least this time, the waiting game has a definite ending.

The weekend, though unpredictable and uncertain, was terrific. I missed Capone incredibly much. It was tremendous to be back in his arms. We did alot of talking. We did alot of waiting. We did alot of handholding. We did alot of watching the rain fall. We did alot of something I don't think is appropriate to tell you. I met his sister and her husband and her babies, Kaliah and J.C. Apparently, Capone is the only kid without any babies. His sister made sure to let me know that I shouldn't feel any pressure to finish off the line. She was great fun to talk to and a great cook. Her cooking was the first real food that I had had in a long time. We talked about Sil behind his back. She told me not to marry him until he was 30. (I'll be 26.) She gave me her number and invited me to come visit again this summer. I promised that I would keep in touch.

Capone is so crazy sometimes. We went through so much drama this weekend and for what? Vina, the older and wiser being that she is, should have planned this trip. On the way back to Rhode Island, she told himabout all the things he did wrong and what he should have done instead. He was "yeah, yeah"ing in the backseat with the babies while she and I laughed in the front. It was nice to get away and be part of a family again, even if it was for just one day.

I want to be with him. And even though it's painfully hard for him to come out and say, "I love you, Kerri" I know that he does and it just makes the words just that much more precious to hear. Especially when you're standing outside with the rain falling overhead and he puts his arms around you, kisses you once and says "You know I do." We ran, holding hands, around the side of the house to get out of the rain.

p.s. We offically have dubbed John Legend's Ordinary People as our song. Thank you, John. Thank you for representing for the ordinary people in their not-quite-ordinary relationships.

Tomorrow.

2005-04-28T22:28:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I will be in Providence, Rhode Island.

Tomorrow I will be back with Capone.

I drowned my cellphone, though. So I will be in Rhode Island without a cell.

I'm terribly, terribly nervous about the whole situation. I don't particularly know why...I just have trouble dealing with situations that are completely out of my hands as this is. I hope to God that he remembers to pick me up on time and to get a hotel and to do all of those crucial things that he needs to do before I arrive.

This weekend will be the ultimate test of our relationship. I want to know where things are going and if things are going nowhere I don't want to be the last to know.

I'm ready. (I hope.)

and he's a scorpio, of course.

2005-04-23T20:44:00.000-04:00

You should be dating a Scorpio.
23 October - 21 November
Your mate is passionately caring, dynamic and
sensual. Though he or she can be
self-destructive, ruthless or overbearing, the
scorpion's sex life involves releasing his/her
most pent-up passions.

What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
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Married.

2005-04-18T01:27:00.000-04:00

With all of the "crushing" I've been doing lately, I've still managed to nearly get myself married.

I was talking to Capone and we were whining back and forth about missing each other. I said, "Why don't we just get married?" and he said, "We'll doit when you come down." [Which FYI is in a couple of weeks.]

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, if that's what you want."

All I could say was wow. Over and over again.

I don't know what to do and/or think.

I can't get married. I'm 19. I'm im college. What would I tell my parents?!

But my boyfriend wants to marry me...

Mr. T

2005-04-17T20:13:00.000-04:00

A Phi A and Marty were here this weekend.

I had no idea what a huge crush I had on A Phi. It's ridiculous. I giggled at him.

He fed my crush everytime I saw him. I recieved lots of hugs and compliments. He misses me. Sigh.

He's 26, 7 years older than me. That's not that bad, really. I do think both of us are preoccupied with our age difference. We joke about it all the time. Last summer when we worked together, we would go out to lunch sometimes. The chinese food place across the way was a common spot. The hostess there insisted that I was his girlfriend and upon his denial demanded to know why he hadn't taken me out yet. "She's 18!" he cried. As if my youth was the only thing keeping him away.
I'm almost 20 now...

I told him that he should come visit more often as I rested my head on his shoulder. Yeah, he said.

Oh A Phi, how I adore thee...

Guilt.

2005-04-14T22:09:00.001-04:00

I have a crush on a boy just because. I'm not that attracted to him but I like flirting with him and I like that he is attracted to me. In my favorite recipe for disaster, he said he might stop by tonight and I said ok.

In terms of girlfriends I can be equated to that bad kid who you have to keep your eye on because they require constant attention.

Let me please remember that I am FRIENDS with this kid....

Days are ummm.

2005-04-13T22:09:00.000-04:00

I am so mentally worn out. It's absolutely insane. I'm spending so much time sleeping lately, I don't really know what to do. I wish that I could spend more time getting things together and climbing back on top of the heaping mess that is my life. Yuck, I shouldn't write when I am so gloom and doom.

I'm going to see Capone in a couple of weeks. The whole idea of being back with him scares and titillates me. I don't know what we're really getting ourselves into. There's been some love lost between us since the last time we had a fight. We talk occasionally, nothing close to the talking everyday type thing that we were doing. I don't call and he doesn't either. I guess we're just saving the conversation for the face-to-face variety.

My scene for directing doesn't seem to be getting off the ground. I really need to have these A's.....I'm so scared sometimes that I am not going to be able to get everything together before the end of the school year.

The last week was terrific, though.

My girl, Tim Tim crossed over into Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority. I'm so proud.

We went to the club on Thursday. A whole bunch of kids from school. I did too much and Michelle Kwan (the ice skater!) was there. She partied with us like she knew us.

Talib Kweli was here on Saturday. Funny story: I was walking to Slayter when a van of people passing by honked at me. I saw that it was a van of black people so I waved back, figuring I knew them. The Culture Jam staff was setting up and preparing for Talib's sound check so I went inside and had a little chat with some of my friends on staff. Vicky was joking on me and called me a groupie. I protested. Just then, Talib and his people walk in from the parking garage. I say "hey, thanks for coming to our school" and he says "No problem. Thank you for having me" and walks on by. The last guy says to me, "We saw you coming over here?" I laugh. "Oh yeah?" "Yeah we were the ones in the van." D, who was driving the van, chirps up, "They asked me who you were. And I said, 'Oh, that's Kerri.'" After they all leave, V Carter turns to me and says, "See? Groupie." LOL.

Talib was fantastic, by the way. Not trying to sound like a groupie or anything.

carrie is me.

2005-04-12T15:28:00.000-04:00

Which Sex and the City Player Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

Gay Bear?!

2005-04-06T19:25:00.000-04:00

Gay Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I swear, I am not a lesbian. I like boys. I FUCK boys. Why is my sexuality being questioned everyday all of the sudden?! Whew, Kerri. Bring it back. It's only a quiz.

Oh, and I'm getting ready to go see Sil in a couple weeks.

Gonna be a lovely day

2005-04-05T20:37:00.001-04:00

Doing the damn thing yet again.

Here I am sitting outside of my place of employ because Agape uses the space til God knows when every Tuesday night. Fortunately no one is actually going to show up now or ever so it really doesn't quite matter to me if they ever leave. Excepting the fact that I want some tea and the cup and the sugar are in the center. Oh well. No skin off of my ass.

We had the first annual Tipsy Tequila Tuesday today. Whew, that sure as hell was a doozy. Who besides me and Jules would think consuming piña coladas on a tuesday afternoon was a good idea?

I got Paving the Way Orientation ambassador this year also. Basically, if you intend to see me at all this summer then you need to get off your ass and get to Granville, Ohio 'cuz this bitch is mine this summer. The beautiful weather today reminded me why I liked this joint in the first place and made me reflect on just how fabulous it can be in the summer. Fabulous- just me, my car, money and Easton. And the reason I got the grant in the first place- research. Yeah yeah. I'm trying to remember what's important here.

Love is important here. And friendship. And family. And 3300 dollar paychecks from your school.

Another Day.

2005-03-31T12:52:00.000-05:00

Yeah yeah.
Just another one of those days. Went to class, now I'm at work. I've got a meeting with one of my professors at 4:30. blah blah. Just trying to survive and get to the weekend really.

This is going to be a lame weekend. Why am I looking forward to it?

The Posse retreat is this weekend. That thing I was not invited to. I am essentially the only person not invited. Or at least that is the way it feels. I'll just hang around this weekend and do things on my own because I got it like that.

I go in and out of mini boughts of depression. Sometimes I'm so up and others I'm so incredibly sick and tired of everything and everyone. Like right now for instance. What excuse do I have to be so sad?

Van is sick so I went over to take care of her last night. I woke up at precisely 8 am, scrunched up in a little ball with my feet shoved in between some couch cushions. I've determined that I terrific solution to the problem of oversleeping is sleeping in someone else's environment. I used to wake up insanely early when I slept with Sil. I'd wake up and his arm would oft times be cutting off the passage of air through my lungs and I ain't gonna lie, I used to love that feeling. But just as long as he was cutting off my air come morning, I was never late for whatever I had to do.

I told him he should watch the movie Bluehill Avenue. He did and he loved it. Unfortunately, he loved it so much that it made him homesick and want to go back to the sort of life that he led before he went to school. If you've ever seen the movie, you could understand why this strikes a chord of fear in my heart. I don't want him to go back to the way things used to be. I want him to be happy but I want to be able to be happy with him. I can't be happy if I'm constantly worried about what he's doing and what kind of trouble he could possibly be getting himself into. I refuse to put myself through it anymore. I want to be able to tell my parents who I'm seeing and what I'm doing with my free time. I don't like feeling like I have to hide him from the rest of the world.

"even when your hustling days are gone, she'll be by your side still holding on."

Who ever thought I'd be that girl.

who ever thought that this girl could get crunk...

2005-03-27T16:53:00.000-05:00

Crazy time last night. Whew.

Yesterday was Cosby's 21st birthday so we all knew it was gonna be on to the break of dawn that night. The soiree went down in Van, Jack and Gina's spot which is funny cause Van sure as hell is my HR. I had a little something to drink before I got over there and was immediately rushed a drink when I showed up after getting this response, "Ooh, Kerri's got a skirt on and some heels!" (I discovered the key to power: a little denim skirt, smooth legs and matching denim sandals.) It was a sexy night for me definitely. After getting a little liquor in my system, I was dancing like it ain't no thang. I even let two individuals dance me against the wall. One of these persons was trying desperately to get me to go home with him but to no avail. I wasn't that drunk.

All good things come to end though as I got in a little argument with Alejandro over his judgments of me. I know I haven't always made the wisest choices, I know that my being with Capone is suprising to some/everyone but I need the freedom to do what feels right to me and make my own mistakes. Thanks but no thanks, kids. Leave your judgements at the door.

AND K and Mr. Lauren were fucking on the dance floor all night. Please can we make it any more obvious to everyone? I knew I should have never trusted that girl...oh well.

I don't know what is is with me and my incredible desire to test my relationship. I don't know why I contemplate cheating or do things I know good and well would get me in trouble if Capone was here with me. It's the destructive combo of remembering past offenses and not wanting to be alone. He hurt me big time and now every little movement of my hips is to prove that I can still survive without him. But if I'm going to be in a long term relationship with someone who at least in words has dedicated himself to me then I'm going to have to nip this in the bud- quick.

oh yeah. Happy Easter.

My muse is...

2005-03-24T19:42:00.000-05:00

Your Inner Muse is Thalia

You are most like this playful muse of comedy.

Life is all about laughter to you, and you're a natural comic.

You make people laugh until their sides split.

And you're always up for some play time

Nothing better than April in Rhode Island

2005-03-24T12:53:00.000-05:00

Does anyone possibly have a couple bucks that they could lend me? A couple meaning 150 or so? I found plane tickets to Providence from Columbus for about that price. Please someone help me out. It's just one little weekend. Plllllleaaasssse. I girl needs to see her boy more often then once every eight months.

haha. Funny how I still refer to Capone as my ex-boyfriend. We may be too liberated for titles now but that is a little ridiculous.

Ummm. I swear I do have a life outside of him.

Spring Break was last week. It was a great week. It's always a great week when I get away from this joint. I spent some time with my best sister friend, Dawn and that is always enough to brighten up any day. She has some dazzlingly handsome friends. Whew.. If I was a different type of girl...lol.

I'm making a conscious effort to get out more. Unfortunately, "getting out" has alot of different meaning here at DU, My getting out expedition for today was going to B's room to hang out with her and Nikhar and Nikhar and I fell asleep on B's bed. Well, at least we were doing it together, right?

Had a brief chat with my daycare paramour B.J. I texted him and he called me and we talked for approximately 2.5 seconds. Oh well. I have to get around to telling him that I went back to my boyfriend, or does it really matter anymore? We haven't talked in ages, it seems.

I'm just working on getting back to the point where I am totally happy. I just need a little rest and then I'll be back on top. (Hopefully)

only 120 pages to go.

2005-03-24T02:53:00.000-05:00

Only a sadist would assign 179 pages of reading. There's no other explanation. My history teacher assured us that the book was interesting, but seriously, nothing assigned for class is that interesting. And wednesday night is party night here at Denison. Was she out of her mind? She'll be lucky if half the class is not hungover come 10 o'clock.

Capone called to tell me he was making dinner. He's very proud of his new self sufficency. He repeated over and over, "You've got to come out here" and promised to cook for me when I do. (Him offering to do anything domestic for me is an INCREDIBLY big thing. He strikes me as a wee bit chauvinistic sometimes.) I told him about all of my reading and he demanded I hang up and get back to work. At times, I think he's more concerned with my grades than I am. Fortunately, in approximately 2.5 years, school will no longer be any kind of concern of mine. (I can't imagine being posessed with the desire to go to grad school. More school? Explain to me why again...?) Our conversation was a mere 3 and a half minutes but it does my heart good to hear his voice.

Wow. He was the only person I actually talked to today. I told you it was one of those days.

Anyway, back to the book.

Shhhwhat?

2005-03-23T14:10:00.000-05:00

Today is one of those days when I don't feel like eating or moving or getting out of bed.

Last night was lots of fun, if completely unproductive. The women's resource center had their open house last night and it was terrific. We had a great turn out, a suprisingly great turn out. Played a rousing game of Battle of the Sexes and the guys ended up with the win. We, never ones to let a defeat slip through the cracks, are demanding a rematch. Vanidy came over. We talked all night long. She got work done. I, not so much. Oh well.

Capone, my ex-boyfriend/love of my life, is becoming the one thing I look forward to every day. We talk constantly-hours on the phone laughing and sharing with each other. In the months that he was my boyfriend we hardly had that kind of connection. We were friends sure but it was about the sex. I fell in love with him last January. I've been waiting for him to fall in love with me but it seemed so futile. He's got an hard exterior like woah. But lately, in light of eveything that has happened, he's changed. I think the whole school fiasco got him to the point where he was forced to look inside himself and decide what and who really mattered. And one of those whos ended up being me. I've got to find some way to get to see him. I need money more than anything right now. But he said that when the summer comes, if I can manage to get a single again, he'll come out and spend some time with me. Maybe the summer will come and show me the one who I was made for.

Unfortunately, G is caught up in all of my indecisivness. I told him that I was still in love with Capone on sunday night. He said he knew. He asked me if he had just been there to take up time, to fill the space that Capone had left open. I told him no, I told him that I love him too. And I do. I promise this. He's always been there for me, he's sometimes the one I count on the most. What is love if not denying your hatred of sports and instead watching hours of Sports Center? I'll figure things out. Eventually.

I'm sure Van would blame the subject matter of this entry on my bipolar gemini nature.

Newness

2005-03-23T01:41:00.000-05:00

I'm doing this. Yet another bloggy, journal thing for no reason. Just another reason to continue to find ways to waste time.

Van is here. She's taunting me.