Spiral.

I'm back doing the same old shit that I used to do. I'm so deep into a mode of being an underachiever that even when I have plans to be the best that I can be, my old habits come back to sabotage me. I can't seem to control myself or this slump that I seem to slip into around this time every year since I've been in college. Hell, it might have been longer than that but I was always somewhat under my parents and my teacher's thumb. I hate the feeling of losing control and I wish that I could stop .

I have a bottle of pills right next to me and I wish that I was weak enough to just take them and be over. I wish I didn't care quite so much what other people think and what they would think after I was gone. I know my baby sister has had too many friends die and I don't want to be another just because I was selfish and self indulgent and self pitying. I hate when I get so low that i feel like this and then I get scared because I feel like I need to act out....to do something to feel some sort of catharsis so the feeling passes out of my body.

I wish I could escape. Rewind. Do things again.

Just friends.

Mr. Green Apron and I have settled on being "just friends." In other words, we will never speak to each other again. Ain't that a bitch?

Oh well.

I'm a little weird right now. I miss having someone to go out with on the weekends. I miss the loving. I miss the companionship. But I certainly can't wait to see him again and be gentile and accomodating and drive him mad with jealousy. Mwahahahaha.

It's a terrible silliness that I have sometimes. It's just that I'm a little bit hurt over the situation and a little bit frustrated. He says that he doesn't want a relationship and I certainly don't want a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with me, but I do think that he feels something different then what he is saying in words. I just finished dating someone who always said to listen to his actions, not just his words. I don't know if that's the way it works with all people or what but Mr. Green Apron's actions most definitely don't match his words. He calls me at least every other day and we've seen each other every weekend since we started talking. He came over this one time, a thursday afternoon. He was waiting for me when I got home from work, standing in my driveway chatting it up with my mother and my grandmother. I have class on thursday evenings so he went to the bank with me and then we went to Wendy's for some food. We went back to my house, sat in the driveway for awhile and then he left. He came to see me just because. If that's the action of a casual friend and or of ambivalence, then I was tragically mistaken.

As cool as I try to play it (sometimes), I'm really disappointed. I thought that this was going to be something good.

Here's another one.

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you without a dope entry to read you.

A lot has gone on since we last spoke, here's a mini rundown:

Capone came to VA for a weekend and essentially went back to Boston to finish packing for his move back to Cape Verde. So that means the first love of my life, is gone. Oh well. Shit happens, right?

I have met someone else. His name is Mr. Green Apron and we've been dating for about a month but Monday, I went ahead and messed that all up by raving on and on about the state of our relationship. (But I would like to think that it is not wholly unreasonable to want to know what's going with us, right? I don't like friends with benefits man!)

I left Denison. I'm having a quarter life crisis of sorts. I'm most likely going back in the spring even though the thought of having to go back to Ohio semi-permanentely depresses me immensely.

That's a good enough summary of my life. I'm really supossed to be clearing out my room because we're getting new carpet in tomorrow but when have I ever been one to make sense? Besides, I needed some time to chill and watch a really good episode of Conan.