Spiral.

I'm back doing the same old shit that I used to do. I'm so deep into a mode of being an underachiever that even when I have plans to be the best that I can be, my old habits come back to sabotage me. I can't seem to control myself or this slump that I seem to slip into around this time every year since I've been in college. Hell, it might have been longer than that but I was always somewhat under my parents and my teacher's thumb. I hate the feeling of losing control and I wish that I could stop .

I have a bottle of pills right next to me and I wish that I was weak enough to just take them and be over. I wish I didn't care quite so much what other people think and what they would think after I was gone. I know my baby sister has had too many friends die and I don't want to be another just because I was selfish and self indulgent and self pitying. I hate when I get so low that i feel like this and then I get scared because I feel like I need to act out....to do something to feel some sort of catharsis so the feeling passes out of my body.

I wish I could escape. Rewind. Do things again.