Another Day.

Yeah yeah.
Just another one of those days. Went to class, now I'm at work. I've got a meeting with one of my professors at 4:30. blah blah. Just trying to survive and get to the weekend really.

This is going to be a lame weekend. Why am I looking forward to it?

The Posse retreat is this weekend. That thing I was not invited to. I am essentially the only person not invited. Or at least that is the way it feels. I'll just hang around this weekend and do things on my own because I got it like that.

I go in and out of mini boughts of depression. Sometimes I'm so up and others I'm so incredibly sick and tired of everything and everyone. Like right now for instance. What excuse do I have to be so sad?

Van is sick so I went over to take care of her last night. I woke up at precisely 8 am, scrunched up in a little ball with my feet shoved in between some couch cushions. I've determined that I terrific solution to the problem of oversleeping is sleeping in someone else's environment. I used to wake up insanely early when I slept with Sil. I'd wake up and his arm would oft times be cutting off the passage of air through my lungs and I ain't gonna lie, I used to love that feeling. But just as long as he was cutting off my air come morning, I was never late for whatever I had to do.

I told him he should watch the movie Bluehill Avenue. He did and he loved it. Unfortunately, he loved it so much that it made him homesick and want to go back to the sort of life that he led before he went to school. If you've ever seen the movie, you could understand why this strikes a chord of fear in my heart. I don't want him to go back to the way things used to be. I want him to be happy but I want to be able to be happy with him. I can't be happy if I'm constantly worried about what he's doing and what kind of trouble he could possibly be getting himself into. I refuse to put myself through it anymore. I want to be able to tell my parents who I'm seeing and what I'm doing with my free time. I don't like feeling like I have to hide him from the rest of the world.

"even when your hustling days are gone, she'll be by your side still holding on."

Who ever thought I'd be that girl.

who ever thought that this girl could get crunk...

Crazy time last night. Whew.

Yesterday was Cosby's 21st birthday so we all knew it was gonna be on to the break of dawn that night. The soiree went down in Van, Jack and Gina's spot which is funny cause Van sure as hell is my HR. I had a little something to drink before I got over there and was immediately rushed a drink when I showed up after getting this response, "Ooh, Kerri's got a skirt on and some heels!" (I discovered the key to power: a little denim skirt, smooth legs and matching denim sandals.) It was a sexy night for me definitely. After getting a little liquor in my system, I was dancing like it ain't no thang. I even let two individuals dance me against the wall. One of these persons was trying desperately to get me to go home with him but to no avail. I wasn't that drunk.

All good things come to end though as I got in a little argument with Alejandro over his judgments of me. I know I haven't always made the wisest choices, I know that my being with Capone is suprising to some/everyone but I need the freedom to do what feels right to me and make my own mistakes. Thanks but no thanks, kids. Leave your judgements at the door.

AND K and Mr. Lauren were fucking on the dance floor all night. Please can we make it any more obvious to everyone? I knew I should have never trusted that girl...oh well.

I don't know what is is with me and my incredible desire to test my relationship. I don't know why I contemplate cheating or do things I know good and well would get me in trouble if Capone was here with me. It's the destructive combo of remembering past offenses and not wanting to be alone. He hurt me big time and now every little movement of my hips is to prove that I can still survive without him. But if I'm going to be in a long term relationship with someone who at least in words has dedicated himself to me then I'm going to have to nip this in the bud- quick.

oh yeah. Happy Easter.

My muse is...

Your Inner Muse is Thalia You are most like this playful muse of comedy. Life is all about laughter to you, and you're a natural comic. You make people laugh until their sides split. And you're always up for some play time

Nothing better than April in Rhode Island

Does anyone possibly have a couple bucks that they could lend me? A couple meaning 150 or so? I found plane tickets to Providence from Columbus for about that price. Please someone help me out. It's just one little weekend. Plllllleaaasssse. I girl needs to see her boy more often then once every eight months.

haha. Funny how I still refer to Capone as my ex-boyfriend. We may be too liberated for titles now but that is a little ridiculous.


Ummm. I swear I do have a life outside of him.

Spring Break was last week. It was a great week. It's always a great week when I get away from this joint. I spent some time with my best sister friend, Dawn and that is always enough to brighten up any day. She has some dazzlingly handsome friends. Whew.. If I was a different type of girl...lol.

I'm making a conscious effort to get out more. Unfortunately, "getting out" has alot of different meaning here at DU, My getting out expedition for today was going to B's room to hang out with her and Nikhar and Nikhar and I fell asleep on B's bed. Well, at least we were doing it together, right?

Had a brief chat with my daycare paramour B.J. I texted him and he called me and we talked for approximately 2.5 seconds. Oh well. I have to get around to telling him that I went back to my boyfriend, or does it really matter anymore? We haven't talked in ages, it seems.

I'm just working on getting back to the point where I am totally happy. I just need a little rest and then I'll be back on top. (Hopefully)

only 120 pages to go.

Only a sadist would assign 179 pages of reading. There's no other explanation. My history teacher assured us that the book was interesting, but seriously, nothing assigned for class is that interesting. And wednesday night is party night here at Denison. Was she out of her mind? She'll be lucky if half the class is not hungover come 10 o'clock.

Capone called to tell me he was making dinner. He's very proud of his new self sufficency. He repeated over and over, "You've got to come out here" and promised to cook for me when I do. (Him offering to do anything domestic for me is an INCREDIBLY big thing. He strikes me as a wee bit chauvinistic sometimes.) I told him about all of my reading and he demanded I hang up and get back to work. At times, I think he's more concerned with my grades than I am. Fortunately, in approximately 2.5 years, school will no longer be any kind of concern of mine. (I can't imagine being posessed with the desire to go to grad school. More school? Explain to me why again...?) Our conversation was a mere 3 and a half minutes but it does my heart good to hear his voice.

Wow. He was the only person I actually talked to today. I told you it was one of those days.

Anyway, back to the book.

Shhhwhat?

Today is one of those days when I don't feel like eating or moving or getting out of bed.

Last night was lots of fun, if completely unproductive. The women's resource center had their open house last night and it was terrific. We had a great turn out, a suprisingly great turn out. Played a rousing game of Battle of the Sexes and the guys ended up with the win. We, never ones to let a defeat slip through the cracks, are demanding a rematch. Vanidy came over. We talked all night long. She got work done. I, not so much. Oh well.

Capone, my ex-boyfriend/love of my life, is becoming the one thing I look forward to every day. We talk constantly-hours on the phone laughing and sharing with each other. In the months that he was my boyfriend we hardly had that kind of connection. We were friends sure but it was about the sex. I fell in love with him last January. I've been waiting for him to fall in love with me but it seemed so futile. He's got an hard exterior like woah. But lately, in light of eveything that has happened, he's changed. I think the whole school fiasco got him to the point where he was forced to look inside himself and decide what and who really mattered. And one of those whos ended up being me. I've got to find some way to get to see him. I need money more than anything right now. But he said that when the summer comes, if I can manage to get a single again, he'll come out and spend some time with me. Maybe the summer will come and show me the one who I was made for.

Unfortunately, G is caught up in all of my indecisivness. I told him that I was still in love with Capone on sunday night. He said he knew. He asked me if he had just been there to take up time, to fill the space that Capone had left open. I told him no, I told him that I love him too. And I do. I promise this. He's always been there for me, he's sometimes the one I count on the most. What is love if not denying your hatred of sports and instead watching hours of Sports Center? I'll figure things out. Eventually.

I'm sure Van would blame the subject matter of this entry on my bipolar gemini nature.

Newness

I'm doing this. Yet another bloggy, journal thing for no reason. Just another reason to continue to find ways to waste time.

Van is here. She's taunting me.